Ever since I was 10, I've had an overwhelming amount of insecurities and body image issues. So for the most part, I've always had a HUGE struggle with self-esteem. It hit very low points, but then it would hit very high points. I have been trying to work it out and get better and just when it starts to work, my mind races to go find something else "wrong" with my appearance. It seems as if they'll never go away..
When I'm dealing with these issues, I go back and think of the first time it started. At the gullible age of 10, I was subjected to verbal abuse by my father. It wasn't things like "You look ugly" or "You really need to lose some weight". Whenever I would eat a sweet or even think about eating one, he would tell me that if I ate that, I would become fat. My mother was included as an example of this - even though she wasn't fat. Eventually the constant reminders of how I'll become fat took a toll on me, even though I was skinny. I stopped eating my lunches that my mother packed me at school and started to view myself negatively - which was something I had never done before. Thankfully this didn't last too long and my mother helped me through it. However the thought of me becoming or being fat was still in the back of my mind, and always is.
Throughout the years, my body image became weaker and weaker and I started to think of things that I desperately wanted to change about myself. Puberty was a big factor in this too. When a girl starts changing into a woman, it's new and kind of scary. A lot of us start to feel insecure and self conscious at that age, but this wasn't a new deal for me. I started to become increasingly insecure about my tall height, small boob size, spots.... everything. I wanted to feel super pretty and I wanted to have an awesome and curvaceous body so boys would like me. Never having a real male figure and role model in my life, I depended on what men thought of me. When they called me pretty, I felt like I was in heaven - my self esteem boosted significantly. When a boy I liked didn't comment on my appearance or didn't like me back, there was always something wrong with
me. Something I needed to change in order to gain the boy's affection.
Soon my family and friends realized my problem... they really did help me through it in the most simplest ways and I am so appreciative. They complimented me, told me that if a boy really loves me he won't care about how I look, which is all very true. Their help in collaboration with my efforts definitely got me feeling way better about myself. And this lasted for a good 2 years. Naturally insecurities popped up in my head from time to time and they were quite obsessive, but I got over them soon. Life was good. I felt good.
But here we are again. My body image has been very low lately, but I haven't yet told anybody. I'm not sure if it's because of guilt or shame. I hate feeling this way, I despise it. I know I'm pretty, but I don't feel it. This time around my insecurities revolve around my small boobs (that I was happy with until they recently somehow got smaller), my small butt, my weight, my nose and occasional spots. At the moment I'm an A cup and still growing (or, shrinking - in this case). I strive to be a B or C cup... I think if I were to get bigger boobs fast, I would feel way better about them. Boys like boobs, that's just a fact. And what guy is going to like my boobs if I barely have any? If I have a boyfriend, I fear that he'll wish that I had bigger boobs. Same with the butt. As for the insecurities with my weight, I'm skinny but I still want to lose 7 pounds. I'm not sure why, it's just been a constant feeling and thought. The rest that I mentioned are just little ones, however I do want a nose job when I'm older.
I think that this long self esteem struggle will never rest, and it will be the problem of a lifetime for me. I don't believe that they'll ever disappear, even though I hope and pray that they do. It's typical to blame having no male role model in your life for your problems, but my male role model at the time verbally abused me and made me feel insecure. And I think because of him that my insecurities are so big and obsessive. For the meanwhile, I'm trying to get better and love myself again. It's hard, but I'm giving it my best effort. Staying positive.
xoxo
